Covetted anointing.

Sometimes I feel lost within myself. Buried in my own thoughts of how I would like to see myself. Free from the hands of the enemy and his Jedi mind tricks. Doesn't exclude the desire to be like someone else. Let me explain. While I no longer deal with the everyday all day torment from the spirit of drug addiction. I still battle within my own esteem. When I come into the presence of men and women I know to be of great anointing, I sometimes feel out of place. I want the favor of God that they seem to have. I wanna be able to cast out demons, or lay hands on the sick. I really would like to walk in the gift of prophesy. More than all that. I would love to be encouraged. I don't mean by someone else. I wasn't it in my own spirit. My own assurance, from a confidence that is just in me. I hate to think that people see right through me. I hate that I just held an entire conversation with you and have no idea of what we said because I was trying so hard to look genuinely happy and at a place of perfect peace so you would think everything is well in me and couldn't see that behind my eyes all I could think about was how I wanted your ministry. How I covett your relationship with God because it seems so much more fruitful than mine. I wish that I could pray like you. Why can't I preach like that. No I don't want your troubles, I've hash own. Mine didn't seem to do to me what yours did for you. I know that God has called me but I often wonder what did He call me to.