Trusted with Trial

Why do I have to be the one who is so strong. How come I always have to endure so much. Yes I know that God, you will not give me any more than I can handle. But Why am I the one who has to handle so much all the time. It seems like its always one thing or another. One trial after the next. If this is what it takes to be so anointed then maybe I don't want it that bad. It hurts God. It hurts..... IT HURTS to always be the one ridiculed, it HURTS, to always be ostrisized, IT HURTS to never fit in. Yes I know I'm not supposed to fit in. BUT WHY NOT.... Why must I be talked about behind my back. Why am I always under the microscope. Why is it that I know the Word says I'm victorious, yet I feel like such a failure. How do I teach about a God who can take the pain away while I'm drowning in my own tears. I really do want what yu have for me, but why does this process hurt so bad. If by now I should be stronger then why does it hurt so much. God I have given it to you but it seems like you won't take it. I have forgiven everyone but they keep coming, Lord I need your peace. I can't hold this alone. I can't do this without you. I will take what you give me in order to be what you require of me. But does it all have to hurt so bad. I'm tired of holding the tears. I am so tired of standing on the outside. God I hurt..... My heart is heavy for a people who care nothing about me. If your joy is my stregnth God then I really need some more. I feel so weak, and I know you better than to think this is your intent. God I'm crying in the desert for you. I need you soooooooo much. Sooooo much. i hav no desire to attempt this life with out you. I'm tired of the pain though. I cant quit but I honestly want to. I know that when I feel this way I'm right next to break through. This wall seems so much tougher than before. Because you have allowed me to see this I know I can get through it. I know we can get through this. I know that this will not be what kills me. I now that you have greater and in my process you have trusted me with trial. I won't leave you Lord. I won't abandon your will. I am hurting but there is a balm.